Fear of Feeling

Embrace the grief. Let it wreck you. Let it travel its convoluted path through your soul. Feel the gravity of the glory that was lost. Let yourself be crushed beneath its weight. For it is only through such feeling that restoration comes. How can the Lord restore you and redeem you if you will not admit that you are broken? How can he heal when you will not acknowledge your wound? How can He use you when you act as if you are capable of living without Him? Do you see the depth of your own depravity? Do you recognize its consequences of rebellion in a fallen world? Does it terrify you to face the magnitude of the monstrosity that lies within you? Do you feel apprehensive about confessing such troubling thoughts to those around you? Do you feel trapped, unable to move, because the anxiety wells up to swallow you whole? Do you feel numb, incapable of really feeling anything at all?
Is it taking all of your time and effort just to make it through a day without breaking?
Are you afraid that, at any moment, you may not be able to balance things out before someone else sees that you are struggling and then all of it will come crashing down?
Are you convinced that, no matter what, the worst fear you have will come true? That the worst possible outcome you’ve imagined is inevitable?
What do you do? How do you cope? Is it possible to continue living in constant fear of actually feeling?
Do you view each day as a task to be completed? Do you see yourself suppressing your responses, be they good or bad, simply to avoid any prolonged interaction that you didn’t account for in your schedule?
Do you find yourself empty as you walk away?
Could it be that, by avoiding the expression of emotions, you are disabling yourself from feeling anything at all?

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