Letter of Lament

I decided that this is the last time I’m going to write you. I’m not going to continue letting you have power over me or allowing myself to dwell on some of the worst moments of my life that you created. I was recently inspired by another woman who faced her abuser to try to speak to you as if I had the same opportunity to write about how your life has negatively impacted mine. I wish we could face each other in a courtroom. I wish I could prove what you did. And I wish you had to face it, to own up to the pain you have caused me. But I know that will never happen. I know I have no way of proving what you did. Yet I wonder if I was the only one. I wonder if there are others you hurt who feel the same way I do… that there’s nothing we can say or do to undo what you did or to force you to come to terms with it. Maybe one day, someone else will speak up. And if they do, I will too. I will gladly admit to them what you did. But I know my testimony alone is not enough, so for now I remain silent. I will never stop asking if you realized the effect your actions would have against me. I will never stop wondering how different my life would be if you had left me alone. There are times when I sense within myself heinous desires, sinful, awful thoughts toward others and I can’t help but think of you in those moments and what you did to me. I only have compassion for you to the degree that I think you may have experienced something similar. Maybe someone violated your privacy. Maybe someone stripped you of your innocence. God, I hope that there is some explanation other than that you just desired and decided to hurt me. At the same time, you’ve taught me that the evil nature of mankind is inexhaustible. It is possible to be so depraved, so self-absorbed that you would do such a thing just because. I want to come to a place where I can extend the same grace to you that Christ has extended to me, but I’m not there yet. I don’t know that I’ll ever get there on this side of heaven. I cringe at the thought of seeing you in eternity… but I am reminded that there may be others who feel the same way about seeing me there. Maybe you’re one of them. I have no idea. All I know is that I would give anything to forget you, to move on and live the life I feel that I can only dream of living. A life free of you. A life free of your words. Free of your touch. Free of the pain of being used and abused by you and never knowing that you’ve lost a moment’s rest because of what you did to me. There is little else I can think to say. There is even less I think you deserve and, as I’ve already said, I won’t keep giving you the ability to rule me. What you did was an attempt to exert control over someone who was smaller and weaker than you, so maybe it made you feel stronger than you are. If I can’t forget it here, I know that it will not be the focus of my eternal life, and for that I am infinitely grateful. Where the hurt is deep and agony unimaginable, Christ my King is able to redeem. His grace extends beyond the farthest wound inflicted by your touch. I long for the day when all of my gaze will be enraptured with His glory and you are forever forgotten from my mind.

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